Warrior

I've come across this drawing at multiple places on the internet, but haven’t been able to find its origin, so I hope the artist won’t mind me sharing it with you, and I think it really fits with the rest of my blog.

Bear with me….

           ~ Battle Scene ~ 

Darkness, a poorly lit hallway in what looks like a castle. Sounds of unearthly wailing along with the sound of clashing swords. Travel through the hallway and come upon a single armor clad warrior, fending off countless spitting, snarling, wailing demons (black, wraith-like creatures of varying sizes, somewhat indistinct but for glowing eyes of red and yellow).

The warrior, though obviously beaten and bloodied, is wildly fighting numerous demons, receiving countless blows and slowly being pushed back. With a loud clang, the warrior is sent tumbling backward by a particularly large and nasty looking demon. As he rolls across the floor, he loses his helmet and sword, and then comes to a stop laying face down, bleeding and gasping for breath. The horde stops advancing, and slowly quiets to a low snarling as the warrior struggles to his knees.

With a gesture of its sword, the large demon splits the horde in two, “benevolently” creating a means of escape for the warrior. Close up on the face of the warrior, bruised, unshaven, exhausted and bloody, gasping for air. The warrior slowly, agonizingly pulls himself to his feet. Swaying, he slowly turns and looks behind him at what he had been protecting from the horde (we’re watching his face, not seeing what he sees).

The warrior turns with tears in his eyes, hangs his head and takes a staggering step towards his escape through the horde. As he takes another step, the horde slowly begins to laugh in glee. At his next step, the warrior staggers and falls again to his knees and the horde breaks out into gales of laughter. As the horde laughs, a new quiet sound is heard, and the horde slowly stops laughing and resumes snarling.

The warrior is on his knees, praying.

As the prayer finishes, the hoard is once again snarling and wailing. The warrior reaches out and picks up his sword and helmet, which are conveniently close to where he fell. As he stands, the horde becomes even angrier, spiting and gnashing their teeth. With one last look behind him, the warrior turns to the horde, smiles and puts his helmet back on. Then with a triumphant battle cry, he rushes into the horde, striking demons on every side.

As the battle continues, we pull out and slowly turn towards what the warrior is protecting. As we turn from the battle scene, the sounds of battle slowly fade; until we hear it no more as we turn completely around to see what the warrior is protecting.

As we zoom in, we see a figure standing in a long, white tunic (imagine what a Knight would wear to court) holding a small infant in his hands. As we get closer, we see a large crowd of people, all ages, male and female from every nation behind the lone figure in white. As we close on the lone figure, he looks up from the infant he is holding, and we see his face for the first time. Although younger, and less weary and battle-scarred, the face is unmistakably that of the warrior who is fighting the demons. The warrior, so valiantly fighting the host of demons, is doing so to not only protect the people of the world, but his own self as well.

OK, so if you've stuck with me so far, you’re probably wondering just what exactly I’m talking about and what the above scene is all about. Truthfully, it all started a while back in a dream that I had, wherein the above transpired. The dream was very vivid and has stuck with me for the past several weeks, and I keep finding myself coming back to it again and again throughout my days. It’s been on my mind so much, that it has caused me to really think about myself and how I am serving here in Haiti.

Honestly, I would love to relate to this scene. I would love to be the faithful warrior, fighting the darkness with every ounce of strength in my body, battling the darkness to protect the innocent and the lost. Being such a powerful and faithful servant of Christ that the darkness would shrink before me. I would love to see myself as that great warrior, pushing back the darkness for the glory of God. Strong. Faithful. Confident. Determined. Loved.

I would love to see myself that way.

But I can’t.

The truth is, when I look in the mirror, I don’t like what I see at all. I see in myself the very worst that I am. I see my every flaw and failing. I see a wretch of a man, prone to fits of anger and sadness, wanting desperately to be something that I can never be. Wanting things that I am not worthy of having. When I see myself, the words that echo through my head are words dredged from my past. Words of pain and anguish. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Unloved. Alone. Lazy. No good. Worthless. In the way. Not needed. Not wanted. Weak. Failure.These are the words that have haunted me throughout most of my life, shaping me to what I am today.

Every day I serve alongside some of the most Godly, amazing, spectacular people that I have ever met. I am constantly in awe of them, and have no idea why I have been called to serve with them. I am nowhere in their league, and all I can do is to try my best to help them with whatever I can in order to make their lives a little easier, to allow them to better serve their own calling. I fail at this goal too, on a fairly routine basis, and whenever I let them down, my soul grieves. I love my family here dearly, and I hate letting them down.my continual, daily prayer is for God to guide and shape me into the man and servant He wants me to be.  I have no idea why God chose me to serve here or why He chose me to serve the Kingdom at all.

But He did.

I will never be this great warrior for the Kingdom that I would love to be. I will never be as fearless and powerful as I would like to be, never be worthy of serving in this place with these people. I will stumble, fail, question, worry, and doubt myself. All of the things that the darkness has used for years to destroy me, I will still struggle with. I’ll get knocked down.

But, I’ll get back up.

That’s probably the one positive thing I will allow me to say about myself. I don’t know if it’s a lack of intelligence on my part, maybe I’m bull-headed and won’t quit, or maybe it’s a hidden strength and resolve that I just can’t see, but I won’t stay down. As much as I doubt, as much as I hurt, as sad as I am, I know I was called here, and I will not quit. Even when my body fails me and my spirit is weak, I can’t give up. I won’t give up.  I owe it to my God, my Savior, my friends and family, and the Kingdom to continue to fight until I can no longer fight. To offer all that I have in service to the King, to give my very life if needed as a shield between the darkness and the ones I love and serve.

I can never be the mighty warrior that I wish I was, but I can still fight as long and as hard as I can, and maybe that’s enough. Maybe it’s not as much about how we stand, but how we get back up after we get knocked down.

I’ll continue to pray for God to guide and shape me into a better man and servant (and maybe even for me to see myself through His eyes instead of my own). I will continue to pray for the desire of my heart, for God to answer my most heartfelt prayer. I’ll pray for God’s peace, courage and strength.

“But even if He does not…” (Daniel 3:18a) I will continue to fight however I can, for His glory, for the Kingdom and for the lost.