Know Fear (3/3/13)

I’ve been thinking a lot about fear recently, and thought I’d share some of my thoughts with you, for what they’re worth. Fear is a very interesting emotion. It can be good and bad, can help save your life or it can keep you from living. Fear can cause you to question whether or not it’s a good idea to climb up the rickety wooden ladder, or if you should go get a better one. Should you eat the questionable food, or are you better off to avoid it? But fear can also cripple you, and is a favorite tool of the devil to cause us to falter, to question our worth and our purpose.

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been getting up early in the morning and walking for a couple miles through St. Louis, and I’ve really enjoyed walking the streets before the traffic gets crazy. My walk has become a nice way to spend some quality time with God, it’s a great stress reliever and sometimes I go out later in the day as well, using it to just get away from the mission when I’ve having a hard day.

The strange thing to me is that I’ve had a lot of our Haitian staff ask me if I’m afraid, walking alone through the city. Then they seem shocked when I answer no. I have never felt fear while walking around St. Louis, other than the occasional fear that I’ll fall going down the somewhat sketchy “Goat Hill” as I call it, and I’ll break my ankle. I really don’t know why, but I have no fear whatsoever for my own well-being. In my time here, I’ve had my life threatened a couple of times, I’ve climbed up on some ladders and out on some ledges that I probably shouldn’t have. I’ve been on the forks of a forklift, way up in the air, trimming trees and working on air conditioners. I’ve bare-handed cleaned out some pipes and drains that I probably shouldn’t have. I’ve rewired electric outlets and light fixtures while the power is on, all without any thought or fear about myself.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I don’t have fear in my life. Like any sane person I don’t like heights and definitely don’t like snakes, but I also have one deep, dark fear that is rooted in the very core of my being. This fear has kept me up many a night, has taken me to the brink and back, has shaped a huge portion of my life and continues to be the favorite way for the devil to torment me. Even now, as I write this blog, I am once again struggling with this fear, this pain. This one, perhaps small fear provides a lot of opportunity for self-doubt and self- loathing and allows the devil to sink his claws into me again and again, to drag me down roads and to places I don’t want to be. Places I have fought my way out of time and again. The truly saddest part to me  is that even when I can see what is going on, when I can feel that I’m under fire, that I’m sliding, I still fall for the trap again and again. I don’t know why I am so tormented by this fear, I truly wish I did. I don’t know why my strength is so weak, that I cannot just accept and learn to live with this pain, and go on. So many times I am pushed to the very edge, that the only thing I can do is cry out to the Father for help, for comfort, for peace from the pain.

And maybe that’s the point, the point that for some reason I have a hard time remembering.

My life is not my own. It never was and never will be. All that I am is what God wants me to be. He knows my life from the beginning to the end, all my fears and failures, all my dreams and desires. He knows, but He also has plans for me, plans that I cannot see due to my limited vision, and probably couldn’t understand even if I could see them all. How dare something as insignificant as I question the great I am, the Beginning and the End, the Alpha and Omega, the Creator?

But I do, all the time. In the deep, dark hours of night I question the fear, question the pain, question His plan for my life, question my very existence. In the darkest hours, the weight can almost break me.

But then comes the dawn.

I may question in the dark, but in the light I know that I am loved by the Father, that He has not forsaken me, that I matter in His plan, and that all I am and do I do for His glory, not for my own. I may not understand why I can’t have certain things that I want so dearly, why my fears exist in me, but I have the faith to know He is in control, and my hope and future is in Him. As long as I am doing all for His glory, following as He leads, then what else do I need or deserve?

I would love to say that I won’t fall again into the pit of fear, that I won’t let myself be overcome again by the pain, but I know better. I am only a man, and not necessarily the best example of that, either. The important thing is, no matter how I fall or fail, He is there. Through His strength and grace, I will pull myself up again, and stand for Him, stand for those I love, stand for those I have been called to serve, and stand for myself.

I will stand, face my fears and strive to overcome them, knowing that with Him, all things are possible. So I will step out on the scary ledge, walk the streets of the town I now call home, climb the rickety ladder, deal with whatever needs doing. I will stand and face the devil unafraid, knowing that though he may get his shots in, may cause me pain, he is nothing. I stand with my God and Savior, will follow as He leads, and will rely on His strength when mine fails.

With God, what is there to fear?

 

“The Lord is my light and my salvation: whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” ~ Psalm 27:1

 

“Be strong and of good courage, do not fear or be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:6