There and Back (Part 2)

 

 

So, I returned to the states in early November , worn down, beat up , overwhelmed, sad, but strangely assured of my calling. In fact, I am now surer of my calling to serve in Haiti than I was before I came here. But, I was more than ready for a break.

It was really odd going home. As much as I wanted to see my friends and family, to attend church, to just recover and regain a sense of the normalcy that I felt I had lost in Haiti, I couldn’t find it. I looked around at familiar sights that were now strangely alien to me. Things and people that I had longed for while in Haiti, I know felt very uncomfortable around, as if something had changed, and was just a little off. I wanted nothing more than to be normal, but strangely enough, normal just wouldn’t come. I was torn between wanting to see friends and to spend time with family, and craving the solace of just sitting alone in my house. I’m sure a big part of this was depression over the loss of Sandley. I’ve really been struggling with how to deal with his death, for some reason I can’t seem to grieve. I’ve lost many loved ones, but Sandley is different, and I don’t know why. All I know is that I try and ignore the pain, and I end up breaking down when certain songs come on the radio. I’ve been caught off guard several times as my computer screen saver comes on, and it starts scrolling through all of his pictures that I have on my computer. As I see the pictures of my boy, I’m overwhelmed by loss. I know where he is now, but I wish we had more time together..

I also think part of my problem revolves around the culture shock of life in Haiti versus life in the states. As much as I enjoyed driving my car, Wal-Mart, fast food, hot water and electricity anytime you wanted it, it so contrasted my last 7 months of life that I had a hard time adjusting. It was so different that I found myself missing Haiti all the more. Life here is unbelievably hard, but somehow it makes sense.

Don’t get me wrong, I did have a lot of bright moments though. I was blessed to spend a lot of time with my brother, as we traveled to and from his weekly physical therapy appointments. I had the chance to sing with my church choir, something I have always enjoyed. I was able to reconnect with several good friends, including one that I hadn’t really seen in years. I was able to speak to several groups of children about my work in Haiti. All in all, my time at home was great, but still didn’t feel right. I was constantly thinking about and worried about my family in Haiti. As much as I missed Sandley, I missed his brothers and sisters in the Miriam Center, too. I missed my mission family tremendously; people that in such a short time I had come to love so deeply.

Honestly though, I found myself very depressed, and questioning if I was strong enough to continue on the path that God had put before me. It’s no secret to those who know me that I have little in the way of self-worth, when I look in the mirror, I’ve never liked what I saw, and still don’t. I’m plagued by self-doubt and the constant reminding of past pains and failures. I long for things that, deep down inside, I fear I will never have, that I don’t deserve. I just don’t think much of myself, and I often question how God could have me in this place, serving alongside such amazing people. As much as I struggled with these thoughts, as much self-doubt as I had, I knew deep in my heart that I would come back here. Deep inside, in a place that I didn’t know existed, I have found God’s strength and the certainty that while I may doubt, I am meant to be here, to serve our great God, to do what I can to show Christ to the Father’s lost sheep.

I’m not sure what all God has in store for me as I continue in His service. I know there will be joy and beauty. There will be sadness and pain. There will be conflict and peace, and while I may falter, I will not fall. While I may still suffer from periods of self-doubt, I can never doubt that I am a child of the King, completely guilty and completely forgiven, and that it is His plan and for His purpose that I am here.