There and Back (Part 1)

This past November, I left my home in Haiti to return to the states, marking the end of my 7 month “Missionary Candidate” process with NWHCM. My time in Haiti was harder than I ever could have imagined, on many, many levels. I have seen more poverty, more beauty, felt more amazing joy and happiness, and suffered such gut wrenching loss that I still am struggling to process it all.  Honestly, I was ready for a break by Mid-October, than after the loss of Sandley, I was done. I was so far past my limit that I didn’t know how to function; I just wanted it all to go away, and I didn’t really care how.

But that’s when God began teaching me my hardest lesson. When I was done, when I was at the end of the rope and ready and willing to just give up, I got up. Somehow I managed to continue on, to do what I needed to do, to fulfill my obligations, to continue to serve the people I love. I made it through my last 3 weeks and as I boarded the truck for the airport that last morning, my heart was infinitely heavy, but surprisingly enough it was because I did not want to leave. I did not want to leave my family, the people I love and the people I came to serve. As worn out and used up as I felt, I didn’t want to go, and as I left, I began counting the days till I would be back, thinking of what I needed to get done before my return.

Now, here is the truly amazing thing to me, and my greatest lesson learned. I know myself, and I am nowhere near that strong. I know that it was nothing of me, and all of God’s grace and power that kept me going, that has confirmed in me that I am where He wants me to be, that I am blessed to serve Him and His Kingdom in Haiti, and that with and through Him, I can make it through anything.

I know I will still stumble and fall. I have my own selfish needs and wants , I get angry, I get sad, sometimes I still let the small nagging voices cause me to question my purpose, my future, even my very existence. I am only a mere man (and not a very good example at that) and no matter how much I want to be like Christ, I can never be. But that’s ok. God knew that when He created me, He knows me when I am far away and when I am near to Him, and He still loves me.  He loved me so much, He sent His son to die for me.

With such amazing love and such a terrible sacrifice, all for me, how can I give anything less than everything I am in His service?  I don’t have much, but I’m willing to give my mind, my body, my sweat, my heart and the blood it pumps, even my very life if need be, to help spread His name and love to His lost sheep. I am a missionary, an ambassador of Christ. That’s what I do.