Dancing with Roseloure

This is my friend Roseloure (pronounced Rose-Lore), a bright and bubbly 8 year old girl who lives in the Miriam Center. She always has a beautiful smile on her face, and her laugh can dissolve even the foulest mood that I have experienced.

I received a lot of counsel from friends, family and other missionaries about my expectations upon coming to Haiti. I know that I cannot be a single great force to save the country. I won’t end hunger, I won’t cure Cholera, and I won’t bring the country out of the slavery of voodoo and into the presence of God. Missionary work is all about allowing God to use you for His purpose, it’s not about you, it’s about the Kingdom. I fully understand that, I am here simply to serve, no matter who or how, for the glory of God.

All that being said, I have still struggled since I have been in Haiti with exactly where and how I fit in at the mission, where I belong.  As I attempt to serve all of the ministries and missionaries here, I find that I always feel like an outsider, I’m involved in the ministry, but not really a part of it.  Part of my struggle revolves around why I came here in the first place. Maintenance is a hard thing to pin down, my days can involve a little bit of everything, from unclogging toilets to loading and unloading crates with the forklift to building shelves for a depot. Some days are worse, spending countless hours trying to track down the money or the supplies just to fix a minor problem, and when that fails having to “Redneck Engineer” a temporary solution. These are all jobs that need doing, but at the end of the day, it’s hard to feel like you’ve accomplished much, really made a difference. Now don’t get me wrong, I knew most of this going in. I have worked maintenance at my church with people I love and consider family for the last 5 years, and even there, sometimes it was a struggle to feel like I “fit in”. Actually, I’ve struggled with this all of my life; I guess I just didn’t realize how much more these feelings would affect me in Haiti. It’s been bad enough that I have, much to the annoyance of some of my fellow missionariesJ, tried to make a place for myself in their ministries. I’ve tried to create worth by involving myself in places where I’m not really needed or wanted.

Anyway, let’s get back to Roseloure. Ever since I was “adopted” by my boy Sandley in the Miriam Center, I have spent a lot of time with the kids there, have been slowly getting over my fear of small children, and have really enjoyed getting to know the kids. A few days ago, I was down in the MC, there was music playing, and Roseloure was dancing around. She came up to me and held out her arms, and without thinking, I swept her up I’m my arms and danced her around the courtyard, much to her delight. Now, this may be hard to believe for those of you who don’t know me, but I am not a dancer. In fact, I have never actually danced with anyone before in my life. But none of that mattered to Roseloure, who was smiling and giggling as I spun her around and around. Since that time, there have been several times, as I’m passing through the MC, that Roseloure and I will “cut a rug”.

So, it occurred to me as I was smiling and thinking of our latest dance, that maybe I have been blinded by my own need to be a part of something, that I can’t see what I really am a part of. As I look for significance in fixing a problem at the mission, accomplishing a certain task, in belonging to something or in being part of a team, am I missing the true reason that God has called me here? My life, heart and soul have so been changed by my relationship with Sandley that it quite frankly scares me. When he cries, my heart breaks. The thought of having to leave him in November brings tears to my eyes even now. As more and more of the kids work their way into my heart, is that why I am here? Is my calling here simply to help feed, comfort, love (and yes, even change his diapers) Sandley? Am I here to help Den-Den up when he falls, to joke with Gilbert, to make Kem, Sherlanda and Walden laugh when I sneak up on them and “scare” them, to be as much a part of their lives as I can? Am I here to dance with Roseloure?

Maybe so. Maybe I’m here to serve and be a witness for what God can do with and through a thoroughly unimpressive, messed up, broken sinner who has been saved only by His Grace and Mercy. In the end, that’s all I really have that I can offer, living my life as a testimony for what God’s love can do for everyone. Instead of searching for significance, instead of what I think I need or want, I should just serve how I can, quit my whining and let God use me as He wants.

Heavenly Father, thank You for Your grace, Your salvation, and mostly for allowing me to serve You and the Kingdom in Haiti. I pray that You grant me the ability to be a good witness of Your glory and grace, and I pray that I can be the man you want me to be, serving how you want me to serve. I will go where You tell me to go, I will serve how You want me to serve, and I will try to love just like You have shown Your love to me and the world. Amen.